The hardest thing about being depressed for me is that overwhelming sense of repetition. In feelings, in thoughts, in my mind, a replay of events happens over and over. What truly went wrong? What makes sense? Are my friends bored, sick and tired of hearing the same melancholy story? Should I allow myself to be angry to press forward? Can I allow good memories in? Do the good memories outweigh the bad ones?
I haven’t felt quite like this in years. I have been depressed before, sure. But I feel utterly out of touch with my mood at times. It begs the question: is there something deeper bothering me? Is there something more to overcome?
One thing the rational, cerebral side tells me is “of all the things you’ve encountered in your life, is this truly the worst?” And then I answer with, “Depends on how you look at it.” I’m alive, I have my health, I have a huge support system. I’m not alone, I just feel alone. I feel like I have to sometimes put on a song and dance to showcase that I feel just fine. Other times, I feel just fine, so I put on a song and dance!
It’s an ebb and flow, that’s for certain. For me, the one feeling I want to stay away from is hatred. I don’t hate anyone. I don’t hate anything. It wouldn’t necessarily be easier for me to feel enraged with hate, either. I am not that person. No matter what happens in life, whatever obstacles occur, words said, actions taken, everyone deserves a chance to be a great individual. Everyone deserves forgiveness and understanding. Everyone deserves love.
I can talk about how I’m moving on, or that I have moved on, or that it hurts and I feel like shit, or whatever the case may be… but what I need right now, truly, is to find love again. Not necessarily in another individual. I want to find it in all individuals. I want to find it in nature, in my surroundings, within me. I don’t throw the word “love” around carelessly. When I say, “I love you,” even in a silly “cat voice,” I genuinely mean it. I love you.
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. Some, closer than others obviously, but all of whom receive my love in different ways. I believe I receive theirs in many ways, too. I just have to be more present in the moment with them.
I haven’t consistently worked behind a makeup counter in quite some time. I always enjoyed the experience of meeting new people, talking to them, finding out what they like, what they don’t like, and creating small moments. Sometimes those moments would turn into friendships or deep conversation.
Selling was never hard for me because I didn’t see myself as a salesperson of makeup. I saw myself as someone who liked to have fun and makeup just happened to be the middle ground for the customer and myself. Nowadays, I’m so far removed from that setting that whenever I get the chance, I want to thrust myself back into it. And I don’t even love makeup anymore like I used to. It’s not the same for me.
But what I am finding is the same are those moments. Sometimes, a simple “thank you” or “you’re so funny” can really brighten my day. I’m not (nor do I want to be) the strongest makeup artist, but one thing that nobody can ever take away from me is my ability to connect with others. That’s what I feel I am meant to do. That is my purpose right now.
A friend of mine that I met many years ago working at the MAC Counter posted on my wall recently. She wanted me to know that she went by to pick up some foundation and asked the artist if he knew me. He said he didn’t, but that he had heard stories of me. She wanted me to know that my presence was missed there. Reading that and knowing how genuine she was being reminded me of what I have to do.
I have to reconnect with myself. I’m not through the tunnel yet. I can write about how strong I am or have become since everything has happened, and I have gotten stronger, no doubt. But I still hurt. I still think. I still miss. And mostly, I still love. I am learning to forgive what has happened to realize this must be the universe’s way of telling me there is something and/or someone else out there. I absolutely hate that I lost a relationship with someone who still means a great deal to me. I want him to be happy and remember me as I will remember him.
I lost myself and somebody I adored more than anything in the process. I can’t blame anybody but myself for the way I feel. I can’t see myself forgetting, or even wanting to forget the time we shared. I have beautiful memories to draw inspiration from for the rest of my life. I am able to see the good in each situation, not just as a learning curve, but because it was an unforgettable time in my life.
Just like my nearly nine years with MAC Cosmetics, these past two and a half years were both the best and the worst times of my life. I have so many moments I can smile about. I have many moments where I just beam because I felt unlike any way I have ever felt before. I can now speak from a different perspective to help others who also have or are experiencing something similar.
Writing isn’t just therapeutic for me. It isn’t just a way to cope. It is allowing me to look back and reflect and put myself in others’ shoes. To see things from a fresh perspective. I was hurt, but I hurt people, too. I was made angry, but I enraged, too. I cried, but I made him cry, too.
The bright side to everything I suppose is that I will not fill my heart with such hate. I won’t let myself forget the person I believe is still within me and within others. I will have moments of happiness in my day, and moments of great sadness. I am someone who self-reflects to a fault, but I like that about myself. No matter what has happened in life, no matter who I’ve met or that I’ve allowed to hurt me so, I will forgive them. I will remember our times fondly and aspire to create more beautiful memories like that with those around.
I don’t believe this is the end. I used to think that. I thought that my life, my core, my happiness just evaporated into thin air when everything spiraled out of control. I couldn’t believe in the words “time heals all” even though everyone has told me that.
I’m still waiting to be healed. But I know now that I mustn’t wish to forget my memories no matter how painful they may seem in comparison to my reality. I mustn’t wish for eternal sleep no matter what dreams wake me. I mustn’t mope around and feel sorry when there’s a huge world out there waiting for me to be a part of it.
I am going to take this time to reconnect. I need to dismantle from many of the distractions in life. I am in here somewhere. And some day, I will have more clarity, more peace and more to give those I encounter and have encountered.
After all, you deserve love.