I have tried multiple times to sit down and pen something, but when I do, I’m unpleased with the words I’ve written. I try forming different narratives and yet, nothing seems worth posting. What I can say is that my mind is always working on what to say, both for the purposes of my blog and my internal voice yielding advice. I can’t seemingly escape my own self-conscious thoughts long enough to enjoy more of the “little things” in life.
When not consumed by these ongoing thoughts throughout the day, I am constantly seeing images in my dreams which landlock me to the past. I have not found an escape yet. Sometimes, it’s crippling. I can look at myself and think, “another day and you’re okay,” but I wonder how long I have to go through these motions of being just okay until I feel inpenetrable again. I long to feel like my former, happy, bubbly self once more that doesn’t feel nauseated over half of my day. I want to dream about happy things again instead of seeing images of fights and frustration all night long.
I woke up around four o’clock yesterday morning from a terrible dream. While I don’t remember the exact imagery, I know that in it, I felt mistreated, frustrated, impotent (not in the sexual sense, mind you) and above all else, angry. Sometimes, I wake up and am truly infuriated with what I’ve just seen because it is so similar to what I have seen and/or experienced in the past. I used to love going to bed at night. I was just starting to get on a normal routine of going to sleep early so I could wake up early. Now, I can’t even really enjoy my time in bed for fear of these haunting depictions.
This must be my new normal. This must be what I have to experience to get back to feeling like myself. Some people must really take some time before they’re back to their old selves. I read somewhere that if you were in a relationship x amount of years, the time it takes to get over it is typically half. Well, I wasn’t in a “relationship” in that sense, but my feelings for N manifested for well over a year. If this process is going to take six months for me to get over, I am going to go insane. It’s been a little over a month since things went south (correction, east… he’s going to the east and I’m going to the west). With each passing day, there grows more and more distance between us and the situation to allow my heart to heal.
Man, being in love sucks, y’all! You can never predict how things are going to turn out, that’s for sure. When you’re in the position of actualization that what you thought you had or would have is not even close to what you will have, I mean, damn. But at the end of the day, this is something most have to endure to come back on top or find new purpose. Just yesterday in speaking with a friend, I realized what I should do in order to help me creatively get through this (outside of my blog). It will take some time and require me saving up my money, but in the end, I know it’s what I need to do.
While my focus here lately has been all of the stages of grief associated with what I consider to be loss, I am seeing that the weight of the world isn’t solely on my shoulders. You find one person out of 7.4 billion that is the only person you see, you neglect the other 7.39 (go with me here; I know the math is off) that are around you and perhaps, always have been. There is so much more to this world than these feelings of loss, and I should know. This is, hands-down, the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I have never felt so alone, so depressed, so ready to shut my eyes and never open them again.
Yet, as one of my best friend’s posted on his Instagram page the other day, “I didn’t come this far to only come this far.” I didn’t. If I were going die of heartbreak, I would have done so a month ago. Everyone tells me, “time heals all.” I also believe that in that saying, you must take control and decide to make a conscious effort to better yourself and your surroundings. That way, you’re healing yourself.
I don’t know what to expect in the future. I don’t know how different I will be because of this. What I will share is what my friend yesterday told me: In school, your goal is to make A’s. Sometimes, however, you get an F that completely brings you down. Don’t let one F consume you so that you don’t see all the A’s around you.
I love that anaology. It’s relatable, it makes sense and it helps take my focus off this situation and pair it with others in the past. I don’t remember all of the C’s, D’s and F’s I’ve made in my life. I don’t remember the faces of all those who had words for me as I passed by. Hell, I’ve put 20 years between the loss of my mother and the man I have become and I am still carrying on. I am realizing these dreams and these thoughts, while haunting, aren’t completely dibilitating. I am meeting new people, laughing and smiling again, and I’m determined to get back to feeling whole again. Part of me is still broken and fragile, but I’m getting there.
As they say, time heals all. Let’s see if they’re right.