Today feels good. Today, I am really starting to grasp this thing called life that we all live in. After cleaning my apartment from top to bottom yesterday (Okay, so I still have my bathroom and that damned “guest” room to sort out… drop it), I can look around and see my home being a happy place again. It’s not that it was a source of bad memories for me. In fact, it was quite the opposite: My home is a source of wonderful memories. And that was the problem.
It’s easier to move on from a relationship of any kind when you’re mad and feel your anger is justified. Well, I was mad, but now I’m just a little bit sad and wanting to find happiness within myself truly. Yes, I say this all the time, but it is a bit of a challenge for me to see myself the way that others view me. When you’re told “you’re beautiful,” “you’re so strong,” “you’re so funny,” at the right time, those words mean a great deal. When you feel as I do presently where each moment can be hit or miss, then those words sometimes get lost into oblivion.
It’s not that I doubt what you say that you see. I’m not calling you a liar (now I just sound like a Florence + the Machine song), but at that present moment of being low, I don’t even care to see what you see. It’s too difficult, and quite honestly, I’m too into my head to hear anything other than my own noise filtering in.
My life has been one great episode after another. Anyone who knows me understands what I mean by that. Just the other day, I was speaking to my friend Jake about my cats’ diagnosis. I asked him about his beloved dog, Ally, and then the conversation took a turn. He mentioned that these are the years that people our age are starting to go through what I went through early on. “You don’t have to lose your parents again like we do, because, well…”
“I’ve already lost them. I know. Thanks, Jake, for this uplifting topic!”
What he said didn’t offend me by any means. I’m fully aware of my life and the people I’ve lost. I just don’t dwell on it every day. In fact, there are days that go by where I don’t even think of my parents or grandparents. It’s not that I’m so laser-focused on myself that I don’t notice, but there have been so many years in between their deaths and my life that it isn’t something I draw upon regularly.
The fall happens to be a particularly emotional time for me because I lost my grandfather on September 11th, 2009 and my mother on October 16th, 1996. There were the two biggest losses to me, both as a young adult and a child, and so I remember them often during these months. It’s almost like I am counting down the days for their anniversary so I can mourn them all again.
Once, N told me he believed I enjoyed being depressed. I was having a particularly hard time with him being home and my grandfather’s anniversary (which N was here for), but his words felt very sharp. “You think I enjoy being depressed?” I’ve pretty much blocked out his response from my memory, but if anyone believes I enjoy being depressed, they’re off their rocker.
I spoke to my mentor about it, and she told me that feeling this way is just an emotion I am familiar with and therefore, can emote easily. Much more nicely put, and I agree. I remember each of those significant passings almost to a T. Even now, I remember how they looked before passing, and how they looked after, and they aren’t visuals I have ever been able to forget, unfortunately. I’ve had many dreams where I see their faces just as I remember them when they died, so they’re quite engrained in my memory and will probably never leave.
I don’t enjoy being depressed. I enjoy laughter and telling jokes. I love making people smile and doing crazy dances. I like to surprise people with gifts and scare them out of their minds. That is who I am and who I like to portray myself as. As for the sadness, well, unfortunately, it just happens. From an early age, time was something I realized you don’t get back once it is gone. Even now as I’m sitting, typing this entry, moments are passing elsewhere where I can see my world in a different light. I could be playing with my cats or going out for a walk or visit Katja at work, but instead, I’m channeling my energy into my writing. I am discovering through this process more about myself and those around me.
I am receiving messages daily from friends who are reading my words and finding them or me or the situation I’m in relatable. That is what helps me. That is what commits me to myself all over again to find the light at the end of the tunnel; to be the light in a darkened room.
I miss N. I miss him so very much. He was such a huge part of my life for quite some time. We shared so many personal jokes and secrets between each other, that it would be crazy not to miss him. At the same time, I don’t miss feeling how I felt when all this started to unravel. I lost control of myself the day I felt slighted by him. I have never once felt that crazed in my life, and I had no idea what I would do if I stayed home a moment longer to think about his actions or my own. (Thank goodness for Katja and KP for helping me sort things out.)
Right now, I’m not in a place where I can totally feel comfortable speaking to him. Do I want to eventually? Of course, I do. But I don’t believe he has it in him to speak to me in the way I need, and I don’t have it in me to speak to him in the way he needs.
I read something yesterday that a friend of mine had posted.
SIX UNDENIABLE FACTS OF LIFE:
1. Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.
2: Best awarded words: Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.
3: The one who loves you will never leave you because even if there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find one reason to hold on.
4: There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.
5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, You have to manage!
6: If you just want to walk fast, walk alone! But if you want to walk far, walk together!
It was number 3 that really spoke to me. “The one who loves you will never leave you because even if there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find one reason to hold on.” N thinks I gave up on him because I walked away. I walked away because I knew I no longer had control over myself, my words and maybe even my actions to speak to him calmly and rationally. Similarly, when we did actually speak and I tried to reason with him, I wasn’t met with someone who wanted to reason.
I was not able to get through to him no matter what tone I used, no matter what I expressed. It was clear then that he walked away in his mind from our relationship and was preparing to move on. He was mad at me for taking the literal action of walking away. He felt abandoned, while I felt heartbroken. Who was right? Who was wrong? It’s feelings we are dealing with, here, so both are justified.
For him, it was easier to be angry and place the blame on me. For me, it is easier to forgive him, but to truly forgive him, I have to forgive myself. I have to remember who he is and learn to accept him and love him as just that, or I have to decide that who he is just isn’t enough. And that’s what I chose; that’s why I walked away. I couldn’t accept that he was not who I made him out to be. Seeing past his flaws derailed any semblance of a true friendship that could take place between us. At the same time, who he is isn’t what I need in my life right now.
Whether he can admit to it or not, he said things and did things to me out of anger, fear, malice and immaturity. He seems used to being the one to end things, to move on, but when he’s the one left with no way of contact, he feels alone and angry and perhaps scared. Then he feels nothing. I would ask him how he felt often after an argument, and even with the most recent one. “I feel nothing.”
What a low blow. To feel nothing over somebody who is trying in this moment to understand you and have you understand him. That’s the immaturity I speak of. That’s the anger and malice I mean. And if you truly feeling nothing, why on earth are we still conversing? See, this is why it is so difficult for me in this situation. I miss the hell out of this boy, and then I remember these moments when he said things like this , and all of a sudden, I feel a tinge of frustration towards him.
Walking away was the best thing for me, and I see that now. I haven’t truly forgiven him yet. There is still a part of me that cannot get past his sharp words and inauspicious nature. I still care for him. I don’t wish him harm. But more than ever, I realize our latest argument was about something bigger: acceptance. Accepting each other as we are and not who we wished the other were. He wanted me as a friend, and I couldn’t give him that. I wanted him as my partner, and he couldn’t give me that. So it is best that we are separated right now. It is best that we aren’t making contact.
I don’t accept myself for who I am around him. I lost my confidence and ability to think clearly with him in my life. I became even more insecure. Those were my feelings and my choices, but they were based on my environment, created by both he and I. I didn’t give up on him. I gave up on myself. I walked away to find myself once again. Every single day I feel that much closer to knowing exactly what I want, who I want and what has to happen in order for me to feel like a person of integrity once again.
It’s not easy being Blanche Devereaux (I’m really more of a Dorothy mixed with Rose, but Blanche is my favorite, so there). Fortunately for me, I have a support system like you wouldn’t believe that will travel down a road and back again with me. Their hearts are true. They’re my pals and my confidants.
Thank you for being a friend.