The day I packed up all of the photographs, gifts, trinkets and pieces of paper N gave and left for me, I did it out of haste. I woke up feeling wretched (not to be confused with “ratchet,” which, if you ask me, should have never become mainstream) and I simply wanted to rid myself of any memories of him. To my delight, placing everything in a box and under my bed proved to give me a boost of much-needed energy.
The days that followed, however, proved that shoving those memories under my bed wasn’t enough. Each moment I’ve been home, my thoughts go to he and I. I think to myself, “Just a week ago, we were speaking. Just two weeks ago, he had arrived home in his country and told me how much he missed me. Just three weeks ago, he was here with me, vacationing, laughing, loving, hand-holding…” So much happened in such a rapid amount of time, I, myself am still feeling as though I’m in a dream… or a perpetual nightmare that I have yet to wake from.
While at my apartment today, my friend Christophe calls me and says he just had to reach out; that I was on his mind intensely and wanted to check in. We spoke briefly, but I got the sense that something negative popped up in his mind about me.
“You didn’t have a vision of me in a car accident, did you?”
“No, girl. You were just on my mind, and I wanted to step out and check on you to see how you are doing with everything.”
I told him how I was thinking of smudging my home. He thought it was a wonderful idea and gave me some good pointers. Even told me of some stones to look for that will rid my mind of negative energy. When we hung up, I immediately took to the web to find a local store which carried sage, crystals and essential oils. Unfortunately, none were near me, so I would have to drive about an hour to the nearest which contained all of the aforementioned items. I called ahead to ensure they were fully stocked and spoke to a woman named Cheryl. Something about her energy felt very comforting.
I eventually made my way to this store. “The Robin’s Nest,” it’s called. “Come feed your soul” their slogan states. When I arrived, I was amazed at the ambience right from the get-go. I have many friends who believe in the power of stones, healing properties, use cards and speak to their guides. I, on the other hand, resort back to my Catholic upbringing. I say a prayer every now and again, ask for peace for the individual and/or situation bothering me, then ask for myself to be looked over. I’m not a practicing Catholic or of any denomination, really. I’m a pluralist; someone who believes all religions and non-religions are fair to follow for an individual.
As I’m looking at their belongings, I can’t help but think that I will come across a specific symbol meaningful in N’s country: the evil eye. I see many other symbols that remind me of it, but never any actual items. I remember taking down that gift he gave me the day I put everything that reminded me of him in a box. At first, coming home and seeing it on my wall was a wonderful comfort to me. The design alone is quite beautiful, but as the days led into he and I arguing and growing more and more angry with each other, it made more sense to keep it out of my line of sight.
Eventually, I find some stones, and with the help of Cheryl, white sage to smudge my apartment. I briefly explain to her and her co-worker, Robbi, that I am getting over a difficult time and want to bring more positivity into my home. I have never used sage before and am hoping to understand how to cleanse my home of my negative energy towards this situation. I also mention that I feel somewhat bad that I put everything into a box that was gifted to me and ask their opinion.
Robbi mentions with how I am feeling towards everything presently, it isn’t a bad idea to keep those things away for now. That I need to progress to a peaceful state before bringing them out again. Robbi also explains that this is a great night for new beginnings because it is a black moon this evening. “This black moon is a harbinger of new beginnings and festivities,” one website says. She then grabs a stone from a box and explains it’s function. She tells me to put it into the box and call upon my “guides” to ask for peace in thought and positivity over the boxes’ contents. I hold out my right hand, and she tells me to always receive a gift with my left. So I switch hands and hold the stone for a moment. I am so appreciative of her gift, and soon, you’ll understand why.
Being in that particular part of town is actually close to where I get my ear piercings done. In fact, the day N went home, I wanted to get a new piercing for myself. Going in, I knew I wanted either the rook or conch piercing, but was open to the jewelry. As I am looking, I notice a lightning bolt. I am drawn to it because it reminds me of an emoji he would often use. I ask to have them show me what it would look like on my ear and see it in the mirror. It looks nice, but there is another lightning bolt, only it’s the mirror image of this one. When Angie, my piercer, holds that one up to my ear, she says to me, “This one looks cool because it looks like an ‘N.'” That’s all she had to say for me to want it. N, what his name starts with. A lightning bolt, one of his oft-used emojis. I was sold.
Since things didn’t work out between he and I, and my piercing is still healing, I decided a while back that I would keep it regardless. At the time, it represented something I got with him in mind, and it can still be that. But to everyone else, it’s a conch piercing that happens to be a lightning bolt.
Today when I went, however, I wanted to balance the “N lightning bolt” to another piercing which better represents me. That, for whatever reason, makes sense in my mind to offset any negativity I may feel towards the other. I planned on getting the daith (pronounced “doth,”) but instead went with the rook piercing. Both Angie and Kelsey agreed that it would be a cool piercing on me and would allow me to still wear headphones when listening to music; that’s very important, you know.
When I returned home, I had dinner, listened to music, washed my face, and decided it was time to cleanse my apartment. Watching a quick YouTube video on smudging to ensure I did things correctly, I set off to bring peace and restoration to my home once again. I won’t share exactly what I spoke of, but I did go around each room asking “my guides” to cleanse these spaces from any negativity I may be holding onto. Of course I spoke of N. I have progressed to a place where I don’t want to see him in pain or even to see him angry. What purpose does that serve me?
Yesterday when I wrote of my triumphant goodbye and spoke of it to friends, I received such positive responses. “I knew you could do it!” “Glad to have you back!” “You did what you had to.” But today, I feel that me having the last laugh shouldn’t be what fuels me to move forward. I feel that that’s coming off something tainted. Instead, I want to propel myself from a positive standpoint.
No, I don’t want to go back to him at this time. Yes, I say, “at this time.” If you know anything about me, you know that I will always forgive someone when I know they mean to be forgiven. Hell, I do it when they don’t ask for forgiveness. This was the first time I was in love. I don’t know all the rules with this. Yesterday, I was like, “peace out, sucka!” Today, I wish him well. But one thing I know about me is that the only true way I can move forward with any obstacle in life is to feel true peace in the situation.
I spent years despising my father over stories I both heard and imagined in my mind. I never got over them until the day I realized I can’t go back in time and know for certain what happened and what didn’t. I believe now that my father was a good man, made plenty of mistakes, but tried his damndest to be a good person for me and his family. What purpose does it serve to hate him in my life when he is on to his next? It only keeps me from moving on.
So with N, I don’t want to hate him. I don’t want to make him the enemy. Sure, he did some questionable things to me, and sure, if you’re my friend, chances are you’ll take my side and version of the events. But I need and want to find that comfort in myself outside of the views of others. I want to believe what I felt for him was true, and what he felt for me as a friend was true, too. We both did mean things to each other. Sometimes we would fight over such nonsense, me because I was too sensitive and he because I believe he was too insensitive.
Regardless of who did what to whom, I find no value in hating him to move on. I am saddened by the events. I hate that he thinks that I am the rotten one that tainted his images of our time together. I cannot change his thoughts, nor can he change mine. But I will say that I will progress forward knowing we had a wonderful time together, with many cherished memories to draw upon, and sometimes, unfortunately, people just fall out of love for each other. Sometimes permanently. Sometimes not.
While I’m not holding out hope that one day we will converse again (I feel that ship has sailed), I do believe in finding the positivity in this situation. When I opened the box, I spoke outloud some well-wishes for the both of us. I truly hope, even with the past entries I’ve written, he finds his peace and holds no negativity towards me or what happened. It was necessary to happen for me. I have learned immeasurably about myself over this past week, and then some! Maybe he doesn’t see it now (or maybe he does, I don’t know), but this time is also meant for him to self-reflect.
After my wishes, I placed the stone in the box. I was actually able to look at the items in the box and smile. I smelled his shirt that he left me, I looked at the magazine cover that he did, and I thumbed through some photos of us I had printed out. I had some of the best times with him a few weeks ago while he was visiting. I can’t remember a time feeling so smitten by somebody and wanting so badly to be loved by him. Sure, I lost a sense of who I was with him, but isn’t that the case with most love stories? You forget who you are with them because all you see is them. He was my world at a time when I needed to focus on myself and let him go to focus on himself.
My home feels good again. I’m starting to feel good again. I’m happy that I’m processing things from a place of understanding versus triumph. I know that I’ll find love again. I know that I’ll remind myself who I am and who I want to be when I’m in a relationship next, but I’ll also remember that it’s okay to love with everything you’ve got. Sometimes, it ends up being a healthy, happy relationship for both parties. And other times, the two realize that they just aren’t working out at this stage in their lives. Maybe never again.
For now, I will rest easy believing that I can be a source of inspiration based on my experiences with love, lost and hope for tomorrow. No more bashing. No more hating. No more one-sided stories. I just want to find peace.
Today is a good day to have a good day.