I am trying to focus on staying positive and moving forward in my life, but there is one place I cannot seem to do that: my home.
My almost-brand-new apartment that I moved into over the summer is a source of contentment now every time I walk in the door. Firstly, I haven’t deep cleaned since N left a few weeks ago and secondly, I still feel his presence here despite my efforts to prance around and dance.
I can’t look at one of my bar stools without remembering him sitting there, eating breakfast with me. Or open a drawer without thinking I will find one of his love notes that he left me the day he was leaving. I have collected almost all of them (to my knowledge). Every gift he gave me, every trinket, I placed in a box just this morning. He gave some beautiful decor, but seeing that while I am in this state is too debilitating right now.
I even had most of my frames filled with pictures of he and I. Nope, had to change them back. I feel like in trying to erase his memory, I’m all the more focusing on it. And, of course, in typing right now, my focus is on him.
What I need to do is clean, rearrange and get this energy out of my house. It feels like it’s weighing down heavily on my chest. I will be leaving in a few hours to travel to work about 5 hours away, but rest assured this weekend, I will be cleaning my home from top to bottom. Well, except for my office which is an absolute disaster. That will have to wait a while, and luckily, I have no memories of him in there.
I laughed and smiled more today than I have in weeks. Friends and people from all over have sent me such uplifting messages of hope and perseverance. I can feel they want me to get over this hump so that I, Mathieu, am back like I used to be.
I’m getting there. Everyone tells me “time heals all.” Well, walking around outside listening to some heartbreak anthems seem to be doing the trick, as well. But I suppose that is all intertwined into time. Each moment that passes is another moment I survived the devastation. I survived his words and his disappointment in me, and he clearly will survive mine in him.
The one bright side I feel to me suffering like this now is that I know him. It won’t hit him until much later (if it does). He can easily focus on other things in his life and put things off whereas I cannot. I become so zoned in on the issues at hand that it consumes me. But once the consumption, depression, and anger stages subside, I start to see hope. I feel he will see hope instantly, then fall into being consumed, depressed, and angry which may be hard to overcome.
I wonder if he dreams of me. I wonder how I am in his dreams if he does. But I shouldn’t wonder these things. They just tie me back into the trap of wondering, “Does he still think of me?” I won’t ever stop thinking of him anytime soon. But I will be able to lessen how much I think of him; how often I wonder how he’s doing; if he actually misses me. I’ll be far and away in my own thinking by that time, I’m sure, that any negativity I hold for him will be a thing of the past.
I’ll be able to come home each day with a smile on my face knowing I am safe, happy and secure.