And just like that, it’s over.
I can’t say I’m surprised given everything that has happened over the past few weeks. It is amazing what one bad moment between someone you care about and yourself can do for your own self-esteem. When you realize “enough is enough, and I must take charge of my own life,” you sometimes make decisions in haste. Other times, you convince yourself in that moment that it is time to move forward and not look back. Then you spend countless days still convincing yourself that it is going to be okay.
While I won’t share the full details surrounding the falling out at this time, what I will say is I am at peace, though I am still going through the motions of extreme sadness. I feel I conveyed myself as best as possible when the opportunity presented itself. A friend told me yesterday, “There is nothing more you can do to prove you love him. There is nothing more you should have to do to prove you love him.”
She’s right. I have done everything I could think of to show him my heart and serve it to him on a platter. Everything I said, both good and bad, I meant. I didn’t want things to end as they did, but I also anticipated it once I got out of the “love” space and into my “head” space. I am glad I led with my heart. I am so happy that I found my first true love. I will cherish those good memories for many years to come. And one day, I will be able to reflect on them without a sense of sadness or anger, or even regret.
N and I are just two different people. Of course, which two people aren’t different from another? But I am in a place where what I want is not something he can sustain full time. And he wants to focus on his career, make a name for himself, become a national artist for his country. I have no doubts he will succeed in his endeavors. I wish him all the best, truly.
You can’t want for somebody more than they want for themselves. This I’ve learned and believe to be true. You can’t make somebody love you. You can’t ask them to care. I pleaded countless times for him to just look at me and tell me what he saw, and often, he would draw a blank. Arguing with N was like yelling at a brick wall sometimes. He would show no emotion, and when he did, he would look away, laugh or tell me things that would boil my blood and cause me to escalate further, faster.
I am by no means putting all the blame on him. I had my fair share of hurtful moments. The chief difference between N and I, however, is ownership. I own what mistakes I’ve made. I confessed that I did certain things to hurt him like he hurt me. At this time, he cannot see that he, too, made terrible mistakes. That he, too, hurt me. I don’t want a half-assed apology. I don’t want somebody to tell me, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Own up to what you did. To be mad at someone who brings to your attention why they’re mad at you is deflecting; that’s not an argument.
Over the course of two and a half years, I developed a strong sense of myself and who N was to me. I made myself feel things with him that I have never felt before in my entire life. I let myself succumb to love and pain and happiness and deep depression.
I could view my current standpoint as an ending, but I want to flip the script into believing fully that this is a new beginning for me. I am still dreaming of him at night, then waking up unable to fall back to sleep. Every moment I spend focusing on other things or people all the more perpetuates that I’m not thinking of him, which, of course, makes me start thinking of him.
I will spend time grieving, but I remembered this morning, as morbid as it is, that I’ve lost my parents and grandparents. And regardless of the time frame and age that I lost them, I finally got to a point where I don’t think of them every single day; dwell on the sadness. I love them, and I miss them. I had some wonderful moments with them, and some not so wonderful moments with them. That’s life.
If I can just start looking at my former relationship with N like any I have had in my life, I will progress to a place of peace. I can reflect (and not deflect) upon the memories he and I shared with fondness. I was in love for the very first time. That is huge to me. I gave my heart, soul and body away to somebody I truly loved. It was wonderful.
I don’t hate him. It would be easier to move on and think of him as the enemy. In fact, he told me just yesterday that I was the one who ruined everything, that I am a disappointment to him. Fair enough. Those are his views of me which I cannot change at this time.
It takes somebody mature enough to own up to what they’ve done and to admit they’re sorry, which I did. Two days in a row, I apologized. Never once did he say he was sorry. And that’s okay.
That just helps me realize even more that it is time to move on. To build myself up again and let go of an individual who is not the right fit for me right now. We had some beautiful times together. I wouldn’t change anything I did for the world. I am proud of myself. I let myself believe in magic. I let myself be a changed man. I let myself love and be loved.
I am at peace. And just like that… I can begin moving forward in my life.