The 13 gallons of unleaded I needed.

I made a mistake.  Everything I thought I knew, felt and experienced was simply a moment in time to bring me back to reality.  It is amazing what one single day can do to change your aspects towards your life and surroundings.

As it turns out, N and I are not compatible together.  I fell for him, and hard, but I don’t believe he is capable of being truly genuine with somebody else at this stage in his life.  He loves the attention he gets from others.  One minute he tells me he wants to “be invisible” in his country, and the next he’s swiping left on a dating app in the hopes of filling time and feeding his ego (his words).  If you know somebody loves you so much, how could you be so callous and use those apps around him?  Especially when he has told you how unsettling it makes him feel.

But I let myself be convinced that “Tinder isn’t real.” “Grindr isn’t real.” “Hornet isn’t real.”  No, they’re real depending on how you use them.  Feeding  your ego is a real use of the app, and that’s what N does.  Even the other day when we were on the phone, I heard the “Grindr” beep to signify he had a new message from someone(s).

I’m not saying I’ve never used one either.  The one exception is Hornet… never found myself on there.  But these apps are designed to encapsulate one’s likes, dislikes, but most of all, image to see if other contenders will think you’re hot, cute, beautiful or a combination of all three and then some.  At a time in my life when I wasn’t meeting men, I relied on them, and surprisingly, have made decent friendships out of a few people who aren’t total sketchballs.

I guess my thought process is, here you have someone who loves you and reminds you every day of his love, and then you ask him to lay with you so you can go through your Tinder.  What the hell?  Is that not the cruelest thing to do to someone who has such strong feelings for you?  Then, when you actually realize how childish and immature that act alone is and apologize for it, not a week later, you’re on the phone with me and the “You’ve got mail” message bleeps.

N and I weren’t in a couple’s relationship.  I was not his boyfriend, and he was not mine.  We shared something very different than that.  And for a long time, I truly believed that one day, we would end up together.  He would travel to the US, live with me, love me as I him, and we would grow old together.  He was my soul mate.  I promised to love him “forever and always.”

Now, I realize you can’t promise forever or always.  You’re lucky to have the present moment, and in an instant, anything can change.  In an instant, everything did change for me.  Yesterday.  I can’t believe how it all went down.

Without rehashing the entire experience, what I will say is I am thankful that my eyes were open to see the dynamic I was surrendering myself onto.  I was convincing myself that N loved me with his sweet words 20% of the time, but I had to endure someone speaking down in a condescending tone to me or throwing shade or making jokes or whatever the other 80% of the time.  That’s not a good balance.  Hell, even if he showed love 40% of the time, but the other 60% was snarky, that still isn’t a good balance.  Not for me, at least.

I speak only English fluently.  He has a mother tongue that I don’t speak, nor am I learning at this time.  But I found some beautiful quotes that signified my love for you and wanted to share that with him through a messenger app.  When I did, do you know what his response was?

N: Oh my god haha

N: That’s cool.

N: Sounds a bit crazy though

N: Hahaha

N: Crazy lover

Within seconds, I knew this wasn’t going to be someone who would appreciate my efforts or words in the long run.  I knew right then and there that I needed to stop romanticizing about someone who laughs when you are trying to be sweet.  Maybe I came across too strong with my words, and/or maybe they came off completely differently than how I meant during the translation process, but I tried.  I poured everything I could think of into this relationship between us because I loved him.  I wanted him to have everything.

As the story goes, and with another interaction that I had later that day with him, I decided for my own good that it was time to let him go.  Truly let him go.  Not be on the sidelines and support him like I promised.  Not be a punching bag whenever he was having a bad day.  He needs to be free to do his thing, and I need to release the chains that bind me to him and do the same thing.  He does not hold the keys to my chain.  I do.  And I have to be strong enough to walk away and not look back at this time.

I will miss him.  Right now, when I think of him, I will still wish him well.  I’ll try to balance that with a few “I hate hims,” but the truth is, I don’t hate him.  I still love him, but I am so disappointed in how he treated me all along.  I am so disappointed in myself for not realizing how bad it had gotten, and overlooking it for a few, sweet tender moments.  I convinced myself he loved me because I wanted to be loved by him.  I saw something in him that I had never seen in any other man.

At this time in his life, he seemingly wants to be every man’s desire.  He wants to be the prettiest and the smartest and the most well-liked and the list goes on and on.  But one thing he will never have if he continues on this path is the biggest heart.  My heart grew every day for him.  I loved him more on the present day than I did the day before, and “knew” I would love him more the next day.

I have to shift my focus.  I need to pour love into my own cup.  I have never needed another man.  I have always been independent and did things on my own.  I am quite content in that way.  But these past two-and-a-half years have proven that I am capable and willing to share a love with someone one day and give him my all.  It just isn’t with the person I hoped for all along.

It’s truly a shame.  I was in love.  I did everything I thought I should in order to make this love fruitful and beneficial for him, even overlooking my own real needs and motives for a time.  I was selfish in my wants of him, my desires to move forward on a different path.  But I have to remind myself that I led with my heart, made mistakes and in the end, lost something that wasn’t even real or there to begin with it.

My mentor shared this with me:  Beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.

And she and whoever wrote that quote are right.  This is a new beginning for me.  A beginning where I stop measuring myself up to somebody else’s brain, talents, looks and start standing out on my own two feet again.  Where did my confidence go?  I don’t know.  I am determined to find it again, though.  I didn’t recognize myself when I was around N.  And I believe somebody you love should build you up and help you discover another more positive side of yourself.

He doesn’t do that for me anymore.  Maybe he never did.  Maybe all the things I saw in him were my own projections of what I wanted to see in myself.  And one day soon, I will.  I will command the energy I want in my life.  I will manifest the things I want to achieve.  And I will find love one day with someone, starting off with myself.





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