Well, here it is. My very first blog post on WordPress. Whenever I thought to myself, “I should start a blog and write,” so many words came to mind. Naturally, as I type, those words escape me, and I am left to wonder if what I am actually typing at this very moment will suffice in the past, present or future.
Many great mentors and friends of mine have told me to only think of the present; that the past happened and there is nothing you can do to change it, while the future is still moments away, waiting for you to shape it by the exact choices you’re making now. Or at least, that’s how I interpret their words. I do believe they’re on to something.
I find myself constantly thinking of the future. Not so much, “Will I or won’t I get married?” “Will I or won’t I have children?” “Will I or won’t I be happy?” And while I do conjure up memories of my past, I hardly feel I live each day in regret over what has happened. Instead, I try to focus on the present moment without getting stuck inside my head. It is here that ego resides. It is here where fear debilitates me, tells me I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough… It is here that I second-guess the very thing I am doing instead of just doing it and enjoying the process.
One of my closest friends told me to always “listen to your heart. Your heart never leads you down the wrong path.” I decided to take her advice. What I found was that she was right. Sure, you can fall in love with the wrong person, fall in love with an expensive pair of shoes that you have no business buying, or whatever… you name it. Yet, by listening to your heart instead of your head you realize you make a choice that you don’t regret as often, if at all. Whatever you chose with your heart is truly what you wanted at that time.
I am known for many things amongst my friends and acquaintances: being the life of the party, meeting no stranger, breaking out into a dance routine in the aisleway of a shopping mall or convincing people to make random music videos with me that would eventually find a home on YouTube. What most of my close friends and acquaintances can also share with you (if you’re so interested) is that I have never been in love. Never shared a life with someone other than my three cats (more on them in a separate entry). And yet, this year, I not only found love, but I am learning that I need to redirect this love towards myself.
That is not to discredit the individual who has stolen my heart. He will be referred to throughout as “N.” (Perhaps a nod to my favorite anime series, “Death Note.”) But through loving N, I realize that I put all of hopes and dreams into him, expecting the most positive outcome and elevating his platform in my life. I put him on a pedestal, expecting him to make me eternally happy. And why? Because his happiness equals my happiness.
But it doesn’t, in fact. Because if his happiness were my happiness, I would be proud of his accomplishments instead of associating his achievements with growing further away from me. If his happiness were my happiness, I would understand better that he needs time to be himself, to learn and grow on his own free of my influence and guidance and not feel lonely when he goes silent for a few hours or even days. If his happiness were my happiness, I would delight in him loving himself more than anyone else so that he could grow in his career, his talents and even his own wants and wishes outside of me.
I do love him. With all of my heart. I understand now, though, that I have to be more supportive of him. To be on the sidelines watching him grow into a young adult, making choices that benefit the areas of importance to him and not worry if he loves me in return. I know he loves me. He shows me he loves me every day, even when we don’t speak. We are thousands of miles apart, but even the Atlantic Ocean and a couple of seas can’t keep us apart.
I am planning to visit him early next year. Before that, however, I need to spend time getting my life back in order. I need to self discover and figure out what makes me truly happy outside of one singular source who has his own life to lead. At 29 years of age, I am redirecting my focus onto myself, but not for vanity’s sake or even to be selfish. Instead, I want to discover my own heart again and truly listen to it. This time, for good.